Born Again American

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Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER

It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

morning?

WITNESS:     He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:     I forget..

ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS:      He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

(My Favorite)

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:     Getting laid

____________________________________________

(Another favorite)

ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?

WITNESS:   None.

ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?

WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

                      Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:     By death.

ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:     Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

                  notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

                   dead people?

WITNESS:     All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you

                   go to?

WITNESS:     Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________ 

And last:

(Well OK, this is the best)

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for

                   a pulse?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

                    began the autopsy?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing

                    law.

Why men are always happy.

last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.  

One mood all the  time.  

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own  jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.  

Your underwear is  $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.  

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.  

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

  ___________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People

  NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.  
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

 

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. 
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

  When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

MONEY

           A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

            A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. 
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS

            A woman has the last word in any argument.

            Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

FUTURE

            A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

            A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

 

MARRIAGE

            A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

            A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

            A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL

         Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

            Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING

  Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children. 
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

  A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. 
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

2012

woot. let the world try and end, I dare it.

I live!

Im in college. most of my typing goes to that.

Im not dead.

I just dont post much.

The wrong bitch

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman from Paris, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"


The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."


She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.