Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Funny Bear Story
(edit: pic's 404ed)
An atheist was walking through the woods:
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a
rustling in the bushes behind him.He turned to look.
He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw that the bear was right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped. The bear froze.The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years,
teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together,
bowed his head & spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive
from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen"
from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen"
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Take My Son
A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art. When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.
About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands. He said, 'Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art.' The young man held out his package. 'I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this.'
The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. 'Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift.' The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.
The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection. On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. 'We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?' There was silence.
Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, 'We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one.' But the auctioneer persisted. 'Will somebody bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?'
Another voice said angrily. 'We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Gogh's, the Rembrandts. Get on with the Real bids!'
But still the auctioneer continued. 'The son! The son! Who'll take the son?'
Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. 'I'll give $10 for the painting.' Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.
'We have $10, who will bid $20?'
'Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters.'
The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections. The auctioneer pounded the gavel. 'Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!'
A man sitting on the second row shouted, 'Now let's get on with the collection!'
The auctioneer laid down his gavel. 'I'm sorry, the auction is over.'
'What about the paintings?'
'I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings. The man who took the son gets everything!'
God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: 'The son, the son, who'll take the son?' Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.
About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands. He said, 'Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art.' The young man held out his package. 'I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this.'
The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. 'Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift.' The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.
The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection. On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. 'We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?' There was silence.
Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, 'We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one.' But the auctioneer persisted. 'Will somebody bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?'
Another voice said angrily. 'We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Gogh's, the Rembrandts. Get on with the Real bids!'
But still the auctioneer continued. 'The son! The son! Who'll take the son?'
Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. 'I'll give $10 for the painting.' Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.
'We have $10, who will bid $20?'
'Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters.'
The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections. The auctioneer pounded the gavel. 'Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!'
A man sitting on the second row shouted, 'Now let's get on with the collection!'
The auctioneer laid down his gavel. 'I'm sorry, the auction is over.'
'What about the paintings?'
'I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings. The man who took the son gets everything!'
God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: 'The son, the son, who'll take the son?' Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
A Little Christian Humour
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set
up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will
judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded..
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards..
They created charts and graphs...
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld.
Jesus just sighed..
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not
fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES.....
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set
up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will
judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded..
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards..
They created charts and graphs...
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld.
Jesus just sighed..
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not
fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES.....
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
The preacher and his son.
An old country preacher.....had a teenage son, and it was getting time theboy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men
his age, the boy didn't really seem to know what he wanted to do, and he
didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four
objects.
1. A Bible...
2. A silver dollar...
3. A bottle of whiskey...
4. And a Playboy magazine...
To himself. 'When he comes home from school today,
I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me,
And what a Blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business
Man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good
Drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going
To be a Skirt-chasing womanizer.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's
Footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed
For his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned
To leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table..
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he
picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he
Admired this month's centerfold.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Fear...it is something vital to us puny creatures. The instant man stops fearing is the instant where the species reaches a dead end, only to sink to pitiable lows, only to sit and wait apathetically for extinction!
Humans who lose the ability to think become creatures whose existence has no value. Wake up! Don't be afraid of knowledge! Think, you humans who are split into two worlds! Unless you want the gulf between humans to expand into oblivion, you must THINK!
___________________________________________________________
Don't be absurd! No such attempt has, or ever will be made by any man who so much as understands the word!
For a thing to be called "epic," it must be enduring! It must withstand the ravages of time, bowing not to the wind or the rain or the motion of the very earth! To be epic is to be immortal! Those words and deeds which endlessly live on in the minds of man, whether through fear or admiration.
Therefore to be epic in one's own life is impossible, yet it is for that that we must strive!
Humans who lose the ability to think become creatures whose existence has no value. Wake up! Don't be afraid of knowledge! Think, you humans who are split into two worlds! Unless you want the gulf between humans to expand into oblivion, you must THINK!
___________________________________________________________
Don't be absurd! No such attempt has, or ever will be made by any man who so much as understands the word!
For a thing to be called "epic," it must be enduring! It must withstand the ravages of time, bowing not to the wind or the rain or the motion of the very earth! To be epic is to be immortal! Those words and deeds which endlessly live on in the minds of man, whether through fear or admiration.
Therefore to be epic in one's own life is impossible, yet it is for that that we must strive!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
I'm creepy?
I was banned from the questionable content because I'm creepy.... apparently.
So if any one that ever reads this also goes there and is a member, please ask that be unbanned.
So if any one that ever reads this also goes there and is a member, please ask that be unbanned.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Things you should know but probably don't
1. Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.
3. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle'.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7-UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time hence, multitasking was invented.
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before.
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver.
22. Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. (good to know)
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand; (and you thought this list was completely useless).
27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
32 Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.
34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. 'Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. OJ Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE WOMAN in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her ass off to jail.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.
3. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle'.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7-UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time hence, multitasking was invented.
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before.
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver.
22. Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. (good to know)
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand; (and you thought this list was completely useless).
27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
32 Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.
34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. 'Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. OJ Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE WOMAN in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her ass off to jail.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Technical Fail
Technical Fail
THIS IS INDIA . IT'S WHERE YOU CALL WHEN YOU HAVE A TECHNICAL PROBLEM WITH YOUR COMPUTER.
THIS IS INDIA . IT'S WHERE YOU CALL WHEN YOU HAVE A TECHNICAL PROBLEM WITH YOUR COMPUTER.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
